An Awakening

Painting used: John William Waterhouse, St. Cecilia

My Heart Goes After Shadows

'My God, how far I am from acting 
according to what I know so well!
I confess it, my heart goes after shadows.
I love everything better than communion with You.
I am ever eager to get away from You.
Often I find it difficult even to say my prayers.
There is hardly any amusement I would not 
rather take up than set myself to think upon You.
Give me grace, O my Father, 
to be utterly ashamed of my own reluctance!
Rouse me from sloth and coldness 
and make me desire You with my whole heart.
Teach me to love meditation, 
sacred reading and prayer.
Teach me to love what must 
engage my mind for all eternity.'

Blessed John Henry Cardinal Newman


Painting: Laurits Andersen Ring, in US public domain due to age

Notwithstanding Your Distractions

'Go to prayer, not to look
for what you fancy,
not to receive consolations,
but to remain in extreme reverence
and abasement in God's sight,
to pour out your misery
before His mercy,
to keep yourself,
notwithstanding
all your distractions,
in His holy presence,
wishing only and seeking only
His good pleasure
and His holy will.'

St. Jane de Chantal




Painting: Eduard Veith,
in US public domain due to age {{PD-1923}}

Awakening

'Often when a soul is distracted and forgetful of God, His Majesty will awaken it.'

St. Teresa of Avila

Painting:  The Sleeping Princess, Duncan, 1915; cropped

He Has Been Waiting All Along

Yesterday I again wrestled myself into prayer.  I'm ashamed to admit how long it took me to get there, but finally I struggled through the day's distractions to find myself in front of an open Bible.  I looked at the page only to see what seemed like a spattering of random words.   What, whenever, surpassing, things, count, that, for.

This was worse than usual.

Meanwhile, a charming collection of junk mail had stacked up on my table.  Brightly colored pizza coupons.  A sale flier for... what is that, candles?  A catalog of, oh my goodness:  books.   I tried to concentrate.  I tried to pray.  I batted away stray thoughts that buzzed around like flies.  I repented.  I expressed sorrow.  I thought of how many meaningless things persistently shout for my attention.  I felt sad.  I felt hopeless.  I felt defeated.  I felt

interrupted.

Right in the middle of my self-beating, even as I realized that I'm not a person of discipline and routine and likely never will be, I had a sudden sense of something I cannot describe.  A kind of warmth. Amazing warmth.  If I could paint a picture of it, I'd show Jesus looking over at me with a tender, loving smile.  As if He were actually.... pleased!

If I could put words in His mouth (and really, it was almost as if I "heard" these), they would be "you have no idea how much you love Me." 

No, that was not a typo.   It wasn't "you have no idea how much I love you" (although I'm totally sure that is the case), but "you have no idea how much YOU love ME." 

How astonishing.  Could that possibly be true?  In the midst of my distractions and laziness and aridity, when my prayers are dry as dust?!  Oh surely not!  And yet - at the moment I felt this, I also had a strong sense of peace.  It was as if a veil lifted, and in an instant I could see oh, so much at once.   

The "much" started with, of all things, blogs.  I thought of this one, specifically, and of how I'd originally considered this as the blog wherein I could ramble about any and every random thought that crossed my mind.  Yet rarely, in the nearly two years since I started writing here, can I recall a post that didn't lead toward or speak of or include God.  It's not that I set out from the beginning to do this (I realized); it's that I write (or quote) what is truly on my mind.

Even though I've felt dry, lazy, and unspeakably distracted, I have made up my mind to come to Jesus and wrestle my way to Him.  How tender of Him to let me know that He is smiling on my little efforts.  How generous of Him to give me a glimpse of how much I really do love Him.  It's good to know the truth of it (and yes, I believe it is truth) that I love Him more than I realize.  If I hadn't gone through the motions once again, I would never have been in a position to see this.

He loves me beyond all imagining.  And I, distracted as I am, love Him.  I want to please Him.  By His grace (and His grace alone) I am growing, at least a little, in virtue.

He has been waiting for me to go through the motions.  He has been waiting all along.  

Go Through the Motions

I sometimes must wrestle myself into prayer.  It often seems that I'm waging an all-out battle against distractions, laziness, daydreams, aridity, and sudden inexplicable desires to latch onto any shiny bit of trivia that will keep me from praying.   

This makes no sense. 

God Himself, the Creator of the universe and the One Who loves me beyond all imagining, is waiting to comfort and heal and bless and listen to me.  He is, quite literally, waiting. 

And I, in effect, ignore Him so I can turn my attention to....... what?

Let's see.  In just the last few days, I've put off prayer in order to focus my attention on junk mail, crossword puzzles, television, a book just borrowed, idle chatter, tiredness, a fleeting headache,  various Internet links, and at least one catalog order that suddenly "had to" be placed right then and there and not half an hour later. 

Interesting.  I don't see anything at all there about my family or the work I've needed to do.  All I see is a list of totally inconsequential things that suddenly become of paramount importance when weighed against spending time with, well... with the Author of Life.

See what I mean?  It makes no sense. 

This morning I was graced with a glimpse of the senselessness.  Weakly, I asked God for help.  That's when the thought crossed my mind:  "at least go through the motions."  Don't feel like taking time for prayer?  Take a few minutes anyway.  Don't feel inspired?  Pick up a prayer book and mouth some words.  The Bible and Breviary seem to weigh a ton today? ("oh...hooow will I ever liiift them?!").  Pick one up anyway.  Make the effort.  Do something.  If your heart feels wired shut, at least open your mouth. 

Go through the motions.  

So I did.  With a heart that felt like dried, fissured, ancient rock, I tried to focus while my mind flitted .... somewhere.  With mind unengaged, heart uninvolved, attention scattered to dusty winds, I went through the motions. 

Then it happened.  Like a lamp in a house whose electricity had been out, suddenly I knew I was connected.  It felt as if chains were shattered, and indeed - I think that's true.  But that would not have happened if I hadn't begun by going through the motions. 

And does this post even make any sense?  Possibly not, but regardless - I'll hit "publish."  With a prayer for anyone else who might be having trouble making the decision to take a few minutes in prayer.. and with a prayer for myself as well. 

After all, tomorrow's another day. I know how this goes:  it is a daily battle. I will face it again, and again.  

I pray for grace to go through the motions.

Wyczolkowski Wiosna painting

Unmannerly Distractions

'Ah, dearest Lord! 
I cannot pray,
my fancy is not free;
unmannerly 
distractions come,
and force 
my thoughts from Thee. 

'The world 
that looks so dull all day
glows bright
on me at prayer,
and plans that 
ask no thought but then
wake up 
and meet me there.'

F. Faber, Distractions in Prayer










William Waterhouse painting
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